My brain is exhausted. I cannot stop the constant stream of thoughts both for and against exercise, shoulds and shouldn’ts, wills and won’ts… the clashing and battling seems like it will never quiet down, will never be resolved.
Do I go to the gym tonight? What would I do there? I could run on the treadmill, but I dunno, I’m feeling pretty tired and I don’t really want to do anything too intense. I could just walk for a little bit. But then what’s the point of that?
Well, that would be better than nothing, right? At least I would be burning some calories.
Oh, wait, I’m not supposed to be thinking in terms of weight loss or calories. I’m supposed to be exercising in ways that I enjoy, only in ways that make me feel good. I’m supposed to listen to my body and honor it and move how it wants to move.
Okay, well how does it want to move right now?
I’m on the bus, I just finished a full day of work. My eyes feel tired, they have that burning feeling right behind them that just makes them want to shut. I ate a piece of chocolate raspberry cheesecake at work. I feel fat now, I can’t deny that. I feel fat and guilty and I can feel the familiar urgency to do something to combat that overindulgence, to work it off immediately, to run and run until my thighs don’t chafe anymore, till my cheeks don’t bounce and my back doesn’t have automatic folds.
But that’s impossible to do in one workout. One workout doesn’t do shit. So what’s the point of going tonight? If I go tonight, I’ll have to go again tomorrow and the next day and the next, and I know I’ll never keep doing that, so isn’t it all just futile to begin with? What’s the point of going at all if it’s not part of a pattern?
I know the irrationality of this. Logically, intellectually, I know that, in order to get to a place where I can truly and totally accept my body, this is the opposite of the kind of mentality I need to have. I shouldn’t be thinking of the future, but of the present. How would it feel today to move my body? How would it feel right now to lunge or ellipticize or walk on incline?
The thing is I find it utterly impossible to even entertain the idea of exercising without taking weight loss into consideration. I can’t walk up a single flight of stairs without picturing my thighs slimming down, ever so microscopically, step by step. I can’t lift a heavy box without relishing in the bicep burn.
I’m so tired of the thoughts. They take up so much space in my brain. Like a never-ending hamster wheel. And I can’t help thinking… if only it were a literal hamster wheel.
At least then I’d be getting my heart rate up.